the need to be inspiring…

i’ve always had this incredible feeling that I need to be inspiring. 

recently kt and i watched a film calld Factory Girl (it is a very R rated film… just to warn you).  It gives the backlining story to one of the characters that most facinated Andy Warhol.  Andy singled this girl out because she was inspiring.  She wasn’t normal.  She was very odd and intrigueing.  Although it could definitely be argued that Warhol exploited her and the rest of his friends, there was something about that relationship that reminded me of me.

I have always wanted to inspire others.  I think that is why I am so fascinated with music, art, books, starting and sustaining relationships that are around me.  But especially with relationships, once something gets out of my sight, my immediate surroundings, then I lose it.  I just disconnect myself from them or it and invest that same energy into something else that is immediate.  I’m not sure why.  It may be because of fear or something less general. 

I think it is mostly because I want to feel as if I am connecting to something eternal; an entity or group of entities that can carry a part of me beyond me.  I know that is a bit selfish.  I can’t make that very pretty for you. 

 I wonder if it is the other way around?… 

But I also wonder if that is why I feel so lost without God.  Not the God that is in the bumper-stickers, or the alter-call, or Avalon’s music, or the t-shirts that I print.  But the God that is present in those that I am in relationship with.  If I am disconnected from God, or if God gives up on me; then I am completely lost.

This may seem like it is a long way from Factory Girl, but it doesn’t feel like it to me.