change of plans

i went to school to prepare myself for vocational ministry within a church.  i graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Worship Arts and Jewish Studies so i could be prepared for both ends of the spectrum.  but with kt and i being at the place we are now, i couldn’t imagine holding a “staff” position at any church.  i have way too many questions that need to be answered (at least in part),  and i’ve had way too many bad answers to my questions for me to willingly submit myself to any of them. 

for a while i thought, “well atleast the people who are giving the answers are friends”.  and that helped for a short time.  but then i realized that it didn’t really matter who they were because i still couldn’t bring myself to agree with them.  everything was always so divisive and done in such a way that there wasn’t room for questions or, heaven forbid, doubts about the answers given.  that’s incredibly unrealistic, careless and unloving. 

(side note:  there’s this band called REMEDY DRIVE.  they’re really great.  i went to a showcase they were playing in and inbetween songs they talked about how they loved rock n roll because you were free to ask questions…. amen.) 

all that behind… for the last year i’ve finally felt free to really dig into what i believe; to check out the nuts and bolts of everything, to see how it works, and to define for myself who i am and what it really is that i believe. 

i’m a dork so i’ve had to literally chart everything out on paper so i could see a progression of beliefs.  this written description is actually called a prolegomena, which is a word that basically means “preface” or “what must come before”.  in my preface, i set out different sections that were labeled: G-d, Creation, Humanity, Religion/Faith, Jesus, the Church, Scripture.  i tried to organize it in such a way that i could build a linear and logical progression of beliefs that would align themselves with the things I believe in the previous sections.

in this process i’ve realized that i say a lot of things that i really don’t believe.  i describe G-d in ways that i really have no right to and i use pronouns for G-d that don’t make any sense.  i’ve also started to realize why i believe in Jesus, the ability for creation to produce good/true things, and what the responsibilities are for those dedicated to peace. 

it has been a hard process but it’s been a great discipline for me.  i think it will continue to change though.

maybe one day i’ll find myself using my degree in a vocation but for now, i like this change of plans…