too sensitive

sometimes i can be way too sensitive. i let people influence my mood way too much. i can be feeling great about myself, confident in everything i do, and feel like i have friends who really encourage me. but then i get 1 weird look or hear a not so great comment (it could even just be from a random person) and suddenly i’m not so happy, i’m not so confident, and i start to question myself. i wonder if who i am and what i’m doing really matters all that much to people or sometimes, even to myself.

so much of what i see in myself depends on what the people around me see. how i feel about myself depends on how other people feel about me. that’s such a fragile state and i really hate that i give people that much power over me.

it’s not fair to me but it’s not fair to those around me either. they are as human as i am and i have to allow them to make mistakes too.

i didn’t really have a purpose behind this other than just to say some of these things “out loud”.

my new favorite sandwich

i decided to go to panera bread for lunch today.  i had some work i needed to catch up on and i didn’t want to stay in the house.  a deli sandwich is one of my favorite foods so i always freek out a little when i go to panera because there are so many great options.  today i wanted to try something new.  i saw the mediterranean veggie sandwich on display and i think i also saw a spot light come on, the house lights drop, and heard the quiet fluttering of angel wings.  it was decided and i found my new favorite sandwich.

sponsored by craigslist

i think that kt and i are going to furnish our entire apartment by purchasing off of craigslist.  we bought a sweet green coach, a set of shelves, patio chairs, and the latest edition is a desk that i would have never been able to afford new.  not only do we get to buy furniture at a great price but i like getting to meet random people.

so we should be sponsored by craigslist.  they should come in, help us furnish the rest of our apartment, and then we could hang a craigslist sign off of our balcony.

get on it craigslist.  i’ll expect a call.

a part of my job

i love what i do.

i have the incredible opportunity to partner with all sorts of ministries from every christian denomination and i help their events be successful.  but my job is categorized as sales, and i hate that.  it’s because of the stereotype behind salesmen or saleswomen (because i’m all for equality) that is actually really true.  we do call you and interupt your day to tell you about something that 90% of you don’t need.  but it’s a part of what i do and if i never called then i would never be able to partner with all of the ministers that i’ve had the opportunity to.

the worst part is when the person i call is rude to me and they act like i’ve just ruined their day.  i probably did interrupt something really important (even though they were still able to take a phone call?) but there’s no cause to be rude about it.

i would love if someone acted like they wanted me to call.  that would be incredible but it would never happen.  maybe i should take a job with the lottery or something where i call people to just give away money.  i would love that job too.

well, i’ve been typing this instead of making those calls so maybe i should get to work.

so long

it’s been a while.

it’s not that i haven’t been thinking about things.  it’s just hard to discipline myself to write about them.

so the biggest thing that’s been on my mind lately is music and what i’m doing with it or not doing with it.

for a while now i’ve felt like i’ve been in a limbo with music that i write.  it’s been difficult coming up with ideas that i’m excited enough about to finish.  most of what i’ve done recently, i stop half way through and realize i just don’t like it.  i try to just squeeze my cheecks and push through, but then i get frustrated with myself because i’m spending my time on something that i hate.

but maybe that’s the point.  maybe i’ve got to just write for the sake of writing and eventually all the crap will come out and i’ll hit something worth while.  i hope so.