i feel like i’ve been going crazy lately with so many things. it’s a good crazy because it keeps me busy and i’m productive. but it’s a crazy none the less. some cool things on the horizon:

- MOTC company changes that are going to be awesome. extremely awesome.

- New Merch project in the works for a great artist DANYEW with my friend Aaron. It’ll be neat. (I want to use the word “neat” in place of cool more often)

- “Purrrform” blog stuff is moving but waiting for the powers that be to approve it. Lame but a necessary process.

- Saturday Night service stuff is progressing really well. I’m really excited about it.

- Kt and I are going to be recording some of our Hymns and Hymn arrangements with some great friends. It will also be very neat.

- Kt’s music is moving along. Saving up some cash so that we can get her in the studio for an all out EP.

- College Care group is there. I think we’re making some headway but it’s just a long process.

- My parents are coming in town TOMORROW! It’s the first time in a year that my parents will have seen Kt. So they missed the whole pregnancy thing (…wait for it…).

- My birthday is this Saturday.

All very neat things.

sometimes i can be way too sensitive. i let people influence my mood way too much. i can be feeling great about myself, confident in everything i do, and feel like i have friends who really encourage me. but then i get 1 weird look or hear a not so great comment (it could even just be from a random person) and suddenly i’m not so happy, i’m not so confident, and i start to question myself. i wonder if who i am and what i’m doing really matters all that much to people or sometimes, even to myself.

so much of what i see in myself depends on what the people around me see. how i feel about myself depends on how other people feel about me. that’s such a fragile state and i really hate that i give people that much power over me.

it’s not fair to me but it’s not fair to those around me either. they are as human as i am and i have to allow them to make mistakes too.

i didn’t really have a purpose behind this other than just to say some of these things “out loud”.

here’s another email from our pastor where he expands on the sermon he gave on sunday. i love it.

Dear GP family,

This past Sunday I titled my sermon, Lent: An Oppurtunity For Holiness. Our scripture text was Mark’s account of the temptation of Christ in the wilderness (Mark 1:9-15). For centuries the Christian Church has used this event from the life of Jesus as inspiration for our forty days of preparation prior to Easter.

In the sermon, I spent some time focusing on the specific temptations posed by the devil to Jesus, and how this sensational story might apply to our lives. What I didn’t mention but think is also helpful to remind ourselves of, is a very important truism regarding the nature of temptation in general. And that is that temptation generally comes by stealth and disguise; it is seldom obvious. I think we are misled when we see this encounter in the Judean wilderness in Hollywood form, with Jesus and a yellow-eyed, sulphurous breathed Satan in a cartoonish clash of the Titans.

It is highly more likely that this wrestling match was an invisible, yet no less real or devilish, struggle within Christ’s mind. Jesus was, for forty days, wrestling with the will of God, repeatedly facing three alternative paths which all seemed to lead to good destinations. There was immense room for rationalization, room for Jesus to convince Himself that these three options were justifiable, even desirable. And yet, In His deepest parts, He knew these avenues were not the Father’s plan. So, wrestle with evil He did, in the form of three apparently excellent offers.

When looked at this way, Christ’s forty day struggle in the desert is much more applicable to our lives. If evil came to us in the visible form of a ghoulish fiend we would all have the sense to run. But it doesn’t. Life’s most pivotal moments of decision come clandestine, so benign that they often slip past our defenses. Generally, temptation doesn’t involve abject immorality as it’s bait, rather it focuses on good results achieved in damaging ways. Christ’s most formidable temptation was to take shortcuts to good ends. Most of our temptations are the same.

Turn stones to bread. In a world filled with desperately hungry people, why not? Jump from the parapet of the temple and be caught by angels. In a world longing to believe in a caring God, why not display that care in a dramatic way? Immediately assume the rule of all the kingdoms of men. In a world full of genocide, oppression, slavery and war, WHY NOT? The answer(s) to those three ”why nots” required committed soul work. And that’s just what Jesus did.

Jesus temptations, though, did not end in the wilderness. Later his well-intentioned disciples would implore Him to ”avoid the cross.” And then there was Gethsemane where He wrestled with the reality that He possessed the ability to opt out of the Father’s plan at any time. And yet He knew the painful, human process was the only way. He refused to use the ”power of the Spirit,” choosing instead the path of service.

To arrive at that place, Jesus had to meet and faithfully process deep temptation on multiple occasions. To live successful, healthy lives we must follow His example, recognizing the subtle ways darkness presents itself, realizing, as did He, that the battle is within us. Justification, rationalization, slight compromises, hedging, white lies, convenient deafness – all of these are the temptor’s weapons.

Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier if the battle were more blatant, but the fact that it’s not is half the strategy. The battleground is in our minds. Don’t be fooled into looking for the gross and sensational. Instead be wary of the nuanced and subtle ways evil lures us. And finally, don’t be afraid… our hope of victory rests in Christ’s strength and example. I hope we will all spend this Lenten season opening our lives, possibly as never before, to that strength and to that example.

Peace,
Stan

i decided to go to panera bread for lunch today.  i had some work i needed to catch up on and i didn’t want to stay in the house.  a deli sandwich is one of my favorite foods so i always freek out a little when i go to panera because there are so many great options.  today i wanted to try something new.  i saw the mediterranean veggie sandwich on display and i think i also saw a spot light come on, the house lights drop, and heard the quiet fluttering of angel wings.  it was decided and i found my new favorite sandwich.

our pastor does things differently.  everything he does seams to come out of an on-going conversation.  a couple times a week he sends out an email that describes his thoughts that either continue his previous sermon or prefaces his upcoming sermon.  i always find his insight interesting and thought provocing, so i’m going to include them here occasionally.  this is what he sent out today as a preface for this sunday:

GP Family,

Per the Christian Church’s calendar, this Sunday is the last Sunday of the Epiphany Season. Remember, the Season of Epiphany is the period of time between Christmas and the Lenten Season (Lent being the 40 non-Sunday days leading up to Easter).

While epiphany generically means manifestation, for many centuries Christians have set aside the first few weeks of the year to commemorate the special manifestation of God through Christ, calling this time the Season of Epiphany.  During these days, special emphasis is given to the stories of the Wise Men from the East (the Magi), Christ’s first miracle at Cana (water into wine), and His Baptism by John the Baptist.

A large part of the Church marks the last Sunday of the Epiphany season by focusing on the story of Christ’s transfiguration; an event that occurred towards the end of Jesus’ Galilean ministry and just before ”He set His face to go to Jerusalem.”  Christ’s journey to Jerusalem, the place He would meet His fate, has also served for centuries as the inspiration and model for our Lenten journeys.

This Sunday we will be preparing our hearts for the Season of Lent by joining churches around the world focusing on the gospel story of Christ’s transfiguration (Mark 9:2-13).  While Christ’s baptism is traditionally called the ”Great Epiphany,” the Transfiguration is referred to as the ”Small Epiphany.”  They are thus recognized because of the express manifestation of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit at both occasions.

I don’t think it is coincidental that Christ’s Lenten journey was preceded by such a profound, epiphanous experience as the Transfiguration.  I personally believe when life is healthy it has a rhythm to it, an ebb and a flow if you will, or, as I said a few weeks ago, a breathing in and a breathing out.  Life naturally and properly cycles through highs and lows, contemplation and action, fullness and emptiness, joy and sorrow, companionship and aloneness, etc., etc.

As we move toward Resurrection Sunday via the Lenten path, let’s not do so haphazardly or thoughtlessly.  Let’s join together Sunday with intentionality, preparing our hearts for a journey with Christ toward finding our purpose, our meaning in this world, just as He ultimately found His in Jerusalem.  Be thinking about how you might alter your normal routine   for Lent, not as a matter of mindless, meaningless tradition but as a focusing mechanism.

Let’s gather this Sunday to celebrate our epiphanies and transfigurations as we also commit ourselves to our Jerusalem/Lenten journeys.

See you Sunday,
Stan

i think that kt and i are going to furnish our entire apartment by purchasing off of craigslist.  we bought a sweet green coach, a set of shelves, patio chairs, and the latest edition is a desk that i would have never been able to afford new.  not only do we get to buy furniture at a great price but i like getting to meet random people.

so we should be sponsored by craigslist.  they should come in, help us furnish the rest of our apartment, and then we could hang a craigslist sign off of our balcony.

get on it craigslist.  i’ll expect a call.

i love what i do.

i have the incredible opportunity to partner with all sorts of ministries from every christian denomination and i help their events be successful.  but my job is categorized as sales, and i hate that.  it’s because of the stereotype behind salesmen or saleswomen (because i’m all for equality) that is actually really true.  we do call you and interupt your day to tell you about something that 90% of you don’t need.  but it’s a part of what i do and if i never called then i would never be able to partner with all of the ministers that i’ve had the opportunity to.

the worst part is when the person i call is rude to me and they act like i’ve just ruined their day.  i probably did interrupt something really important (even though they were still able to take a phone call?) but there’s no cause to be rude about it.

i would love if someone acted like they wanted me to call.  that would be incredible but it would never happen.  maybe i should take a job with the lottery or something where i call people to just give away money.  i would love that job too.

well, i’ve been typing this instead of making those calls so maybe i should get to work.

it’s been a while.

it’s not that i haven’t been thinking about things.  it’s just hard to discipline myself to write about them.

so the biggest thing that’s been on my mind lately is music and what i’m doing with it or not doing with it.

for a while now i’ve felt like i’ve been in a limbo with music that i write.  it’s been difficult coming up with ideas that i’m excited enough about to finish.  most of what i’ve done recently, i stop half way through and realize i just don’t like it.  i try to just squeeze my cheecks and push through, but then i get frustrated with myself because i’m spending my time on something that i hate.

but maybe that’s the point.  maybe i’ve got to just write for the sake of writing and eventually all the crap will come out and i’ll hit something worth while.  i hope so.

last night we talked about unity; what it means within Christianity and the things we need to pursue in order to create it.  the verses we looked at were ephesians 4:1-6 and we read the “prayer for the Unity of the Church” from the book of common prayer:

“God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, our only Savior, the Prince of Peace: give us the eyes to see the dangers caused by our unhappy divisions; help us rid ourselves of all hatred and prejudice, and whatever else may hinder us from godly union and concord; that, as there is but one Body and one Spirit, one hope of our calling, one Lord, one Faith, one Baptism, one God and Father of us all, so we may be of one heart and of one soul, united in one holy bond of truth and peace, of faith and charity, and may we with one mind and one mouth glorify you; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.”

after we left youth last night, kt and i went home to play monopoly.  we played the night before and i totally won.  it was brutal.  but last night was a different story.  from the very first roll of the dice, kt was up and buying properties left and right.  at first, i was hopeful.  i thought there has to be a chance to at least catch up with her, but i was so wrong.  pretty quickly into the game i started to loose my patience.  when i became impatient, everything else slowly started to crumble and when kt destroyed me, it hurt deep down inside.  i’m not always a sore loser, but i was so confident from the night before that i definitely was bitter about losing so badly.

this morning i realized that my slide into “jacob the sore loser” all started when i began to loose my patience in the game.  i started to be impatient with everything.   i wanted the money to be counted faster, the pieces to be moved around the board quicker, and i wanted the dice to roll faster all so that i could get to my next chance at a comeback.

one of the verses we read last night said :

“be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

as dumb as it is for me to become a sore loser at monopoly (especially when there’s only 2 people playing), i realized that “being patient” is where it all starts for me.  when i’m patient with people, and i guess myself, i can create an environment where i can “bear with another in love”.  as soon as i become impatient with others, and myself, that environment is out the window and there’s no hope for being “humble” or even “gentle”.

but being humble, gentle, patient, and willing to bear with one another comes out of an environment of unity.  and it has made me wonder what i’m doing to create that environment of unity with the people around me.  i know now that i have to be patient.  once i’m patient, i can then begin to “make every effort to keep the Unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (eph 4:3).  but how am i pursuing patience?  how am i working to create that environment of unity?  am i pursuing it at all?

in the prayer for unity that we read, there’s a line that says :

“help us rid ourselves of all hatred and prejudice, and whatever else may hinder us from godly union…”

i know that G-d is not going to just take my impatience away.  it has to start with me.  i have to make an effort to be patient before G-d can help me with it.

since kt’s car caught fire, we took the opportunity to go for a long walk last night. there’s a starbucks down the street from our apartment complex so we each grabbed some reading material and headed out the door. it really was a beautiful evening. the weather was perfect and we didn’t get hit by a car on the way.

i love starbucks but it’s hard for me to go there to read. most books that i have, i feel like i have to commit several hours of my day to read them, otherwise i will get confused and loose interest. i think it’s because i’m a context person. i have to know what happened before, way before, in order to really understand and appreciate what’s going on in the present. so when i’m headed to a place where i know i’ll only have 30 minutes or so to read, i usually grab one of three books that are easy to just plop in and get great ideas from or be entertained in some way.

last night i chose M. Scott Peck’s “the Road Less Traveled”. i really love this book. you can read 5 pages and have a days worth of ideas to chew on. sometimes i love what Peck says and i want to let everyone read how he dissects and uncovers what is behind the common human interactions. even when i don’t agree with what Peck writes, i can always find one aspect that i agree with and then it’s fun for me to use that as a spring-board to understand how i see things.

last night’s section was an extension of Peck’s ideas about “Ego Boundaries” and their role in how we understand and define love. he mentioned how when a person falls in love with a person or a thing of interest (like watching sports or keeping a hobby), we make this first initial connection which is so exciting and is so pleasing that we start to remove these boundaries we’ve set-up for ourselves. we begin to venture out and discover this new thing of interest. so when we say we’ve “fallen in love” with a girl or guy, we’re at the point where we’ve discovered a deep pleasure and want to keep that sensation, even though a week before we never would have thought we could feel that way.

when you start to take down the “ego boundaries”, Peck explains that you start to take in parts of that thing of interest. so if it’s a person that you’ve fallen in love with, you start to take them into yourself, attaching yourself to them and in a sense, making them a part of you. but Peck also explains that we usually only take in the parts that we like. that’s why people start getting discouraged in long relationships because they realize that the person they’ve been so infatuated with, has distinct flaws. once you realize that all is not right with the world, you start to question what drew that person to you in the first place.

Peck explains that at that moment, you have the opportunity to experience the beginnings of real love. you can keep your “Ego Boundaries” down, allowing yourself to be stretched in ways that weren’t possible before because you really are being drawn out of yourself, your current understanding, and expanding yourself to take in even more. but if you don’t allow this outside force to work on you, then you start to rebuild your “Ego Boundaries” having only moved as far as you could move by yourself.

at the end of the section Peck writes:

“the temporary loss of ego boundaries involved in falling in love and in sexual intercourse not only leads us to make commitments to other people from which real love may begin but also gives us a foretaste of (and therefore an incentive for) the more lasting mystical ecstasy that can be ours after a lifetime of love. As such, therefore, while falling in love is not itself love, it is [the beginning] of the great and mysterious scheme of love.”

i love the idea Peck has of disassembling your boundaries, allowing someone or something from outside of you to come in and to change you, extending your view of the world. what’s great about this is that we already do it. it’s not an action that we have to consciously think about. we could be more disciplined in looking for ways to be influenced for the better. but it’s still something that we do everyday.

its as easy as trying a new kind of food, liking it and deciding that you might want to eat it again. or it could even be that you hate it. either way, you’ve experienced something new and it has changed you by providing you with a way to think about new things (or a new way to think about old things).

after those revelations over my white mocha and our white/black cookies (because i believe in equality), kt and i started our walk home to watch “Dan in Real Life”. i felt like the idea behind the movie was along the same lines.

in the end, it was a great night with kt.